and i still find myself crying to sleep.
Its so tiring.. to smile and pretend to be happy in front of everyone. Im quite tired of this pretence.
I hate pretends and hyprocrisy. I hate to lie. I hate lying to myself and people around me. But this lie makes the world goes round, this lie makes it a better place for everyone. But only for everyone else except me.
People say, dont live for others but yourself. Why do i always find myself putting other people before me?
I look at myself in the mirror every day and i feel so sad for myself. "This girl needs help, she's still not facing it, she's only running", I felt.
I am not a very independent person, i admit. I dont like to do things alone.
I ever tried having lunch alone, kinda sucky. I even tried catching a movie alone at the busiest time of the day. I am pretty proud of my 'achievements'.
Whats next? Im flying to Perth alone this Valentines'. Mixed feelings - a little excited, a little scared.
I dont really wanna go, but yet i kinda wanna go. I dont know how you call it, but its a very perplexed feeling.
Perth may be a very boring place, nothing much to do, nothing much to see. You think i dont know? But why am i going? I just need to get out of here, i need to go somewhere else for a little breather. If i have a choice, i wouldnt want to spend a week at Perth doing nothing, but because i dont exactly have a choice and before i really go insane, maybe going away is the optimal choice.
Im so tired .. so tired of being everything else but me.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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